Blowing it

Better a British seaside holiday than the glitzy alternative

Did you opt for a British holiday instead of fleeing to the continent this year? Then you probably had an experience similar to The Guardian's Rachel Cooke. Rachel chose the seaside haven of Broadstairs for her "stay at home vacation" this year – "dreaming of immaculate beaches, secret coves and a delicious supper of lemon sole which came out of the North Sea that very morning". She was in for a bit of a disappointment. No delicious lemon sole was pulled ashore in Broadstairs that morning. And as she brooded over the choice of full English or a microwaved scampi on the laminated lunch menu that her boarding house had provided, Rachel began to get rather irate at herself for buying into the myth of the quaint British seaside town.

She's not the only one to make that mistake. Domestic holiday bookings are up 16% this year, according to Lastminute.com. And creeping back in heavy traffic from dishevelled seaside towns, many disgruntled families will be cursing those who've put us in this state – those greedy, greedy bankers. If they hadn't blown a hole in their balance sheets and refused to lend a penny to the rest of us, we wouldn't have to spend our summers in places like Broadstairs.

But are bankers having any better a holiday? Well yes, they are. But Matt Rudd in The Sunday Times has discovered something which suggests holidays for the ruthlessly ambitious might not be all champagne and manic laughter. It's Harrods' new travel service. Yes, "what was Harrods by Appointment has now morphed into Harrods by Appointment Beyond".

For a minimum opening spend of £2,500, Harrods will sort out the kind of trip that money can't buy – "from impressionist workshops with an artist on his houseboat to private chocolaterie cooking courses at the Ritz Escoffier School". But here's the real deal. "We all know that there's no party without interesting characters," explains Harrods. "So we look to complement your list with a handful of recognisable faces, from sporting heroes to style icons, music legends to opinion-formers". Apparently Jensen Button is available for drinks if need be.

To me, that sounds an awful lot like Harrods is offering a rent-a-friend service. Is it really that lonely at the top? Maybe it says something about the kind of person you are to have Harrods book your holidays. But what kind of an animal do you have to be that you can't rustle up a few friends or family to join you on holiday?

Just picture that huddled group of celebrities. Each of them laughing half-heartedly at your stories. Then staring at the ground when you've finished. And grimacing as they swill back the free champagne. Terrible.

So the next time you're ordering an inedible lunch in a desolate British seaside town, count yourself lucky that you have people with you who actually enjoy your company from time to time. At least you haven't paid £2,500 to spend a night being stared at by a half-cut Phil Collins, while Jensen Button schmoozes the date you've hired for the evening.

Tabloid money… leave me my high heels, says Judy

• It's time the Trade Union Congress (TUC) stopped being sexist about high heels, says Judy Finnegan in the Daily Express. "I have never, ever understood the view that a women in high heels is a woman in thrall to sexism." Women wear high heels because they love them, not because they are forced to do so. "Many men are compelled to wear a tie to work. Quite a lot of women find a man in a suit and tie rather sexy. Does that turn men into hapless sex objects?"

• Given the state of the economy, was it smart for a group of the "Premier League's squillionaires" to spend £120,000 on champagne in a London nightclub, asks Mark Austin in the Sunday Mirror. If they are really looking for ways to get rid of their money, "I can put them in touch with a very good charity helping lads of their own age who've been seriously injured fighting in Afghanistan".

• Jerry Hall is still "admirably gung-ho" says Jane Moore in the Sun. The former model and ex-wife of Mick Jagger famously said that a woman should be "a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom." She has now amended this to say she would hire the first two and just do the last bit herself. "Plenty of women of her age would be happier doing the middle bit themselves and hire the other two," says Moore.

• Reports of our laziness are greatly exaggerated, says Anne Widdecombe in the Daily Express. A new survey claims some Britons would sit through a TV show they didn't like rather than get up to change it. Many are too lazy to walk the dog after work. But "I'm not sure": maybe people are just tired out after a hard day. "Of course if all you do all day is organise survey results into boxes and add up the results then you probably do have the energy to take Fido for his walk at the end of it."